Of all of the places in all of the world, why did I have to end up in
fucking Bavaria? The most Catholic place I have found, moreso than just
about anywhere else. Which is just what I fucking need, isn't it? The
only good thing, and bear in mind that this is a very small thing from
where I am sitting right now, is the holidays. Every 'holy day' in the
Catholic calendar is a day which I get off work. Anyone would think that
that's a major bonus, especially because where I work I get the day
before or after off to make a four-day weekend. Yeah, a real bonus.
Thursday was the first holiday like that I have had, the other two which
have occurred since I got out here have been Wednesdays, where we only
get the one day off. But that's not the worst thing.
The worst bloody part of it is that everyone hasw this day off.
Everyone, whether they want it or not. So, come these days off, nowhere
is open. I can't even go down to the shop to grab a bottle of lemonade
and a pizza so that I can actually do that little thing that's so
necessary called eating. Much less can I go into town to have a look
through the electronic gadgets that I find so useful, as all the bloody
sodding shops are closed. Bloody marvellous, ain't it? Well, no it
I can't even get a decent night's sleep for a change as the fucking
church bells start going at eight in the morning. For fuck's sakes, I
can't sleep and I can't go out. What do these bastards expect me to do?
Actually, having phrased that question, I think I know what's going on.
It's a conspiracy between the country and the Catholic church. Get us
people that are not Catholic, that in fact couldn't give two tugs of a
dead dog's cock for their idea of God, and make it so that the only
place we can go to is a church. After all, we can't sleep, so we have to
go somewhere, right? So, they drive us like cattle into a church, where
we have to listen to the guy at the front going on about how we will al
be better because we believe in his idea of a God.
Fortunately, I'm immune. After all, I can't speak enough of the fucking
language, can I? So I stay away from the churches and I become so bored
I finally crack and decide to find myself a Catholic to beat the
everloving crap out of. And once I've finished kicking the bastard's
teeth out they can have their policemen roll up and take me away to a
cell while they charge me with murder.
There is a point to this rant beyond just my dislike of the Catholic
church and my need for excessive amounts of violence. And the point's
kinda simple. I'm alone here. Cold and alone, the only English speaking
follower of a Pagan religion in the entire fucking city. When the
religious holidays roll around, everyone here is against me. I become a
nice solo target for anything that the world wants to throw at me. I
really am deep in enemy territory.
* * *
It amazes me how stupid some people can be. Last Friday, I was attacked
by morons wearing bright yellowpuffed-up jackets. They wanted me to
purchase MicroShaft Tosspile XP. Fortunately for me, I was on top form.
At least I was after ascertaining that they spoke good English.
Them: "So, do you think you will be upgrading to Windows XP anytime
Me: "Not if I can at all help it. I prefer a stable operating system."
Them: "But this is more stable than the previous releases of Windows..."
Me: "And that's supposed to make me feel confident? I meant a real
operating system, not one designed by blind incompetent spastic monkeys
high on acid."
Them: "Like what?"
Me: "Mandrake Linux 7.1. Or Red Hat 7.2, because that was the big
release today that I was looking forward to. I won't be touching that
crap you are trying to sell as actual software."
Them: [Now realising that I am indeed a Bastard] "Maybe you will have to
use it at work?"
Me: "Let's see... I'm a system administrator for a large network fo Sun
workstations running Solaris eight. We have fewer crashes on our entire
network in a month than a single PC running Windows has in a week. If
you honestly think I will have a reson to touch that stuff at work then
you are even more insane than I first thought."
With that, I walked away. Score one for the Bastard Operator From Hell.
But it isn't just limited to MicroShaft employees, the American populace
is just as bad. According to a friend, he was recently asked if "they
had a fourth of July in Edinburgh".
Excuse me? How stupid are some people? Of course there is a fucking
fourth of July in Edinburgh. Thre's a fourth of July in every country
that uses a fucking calendar. Or were they expecting to hear that no,
there isn't a fourth of July, just a bloody big gap between the third
and the fifth whilst time just stops? Fuck, it could have been. American
tourists should be asked that question, and if they don't realise that a
date is on every fucking calendar, then they can piss off and stay in
their own backwater hole in the ground, somewhere near Fuckhead, Texas.
Or be shot. That'd do the human race a favour.
* * *
After several months of waiting, the website is finally up and working.
Yes, you read that right. The website works. Fucking miraculous, ain't
it? See what happens wen you trap a hacker in his flat for a couple of
days with nothing better to do, and at a point in Diablo 2 that he just
can't get past? There. All of you that thought it wasn't going to happen
are kinda disbelieving, no? Well, fucking believe it. The website is
there and it is up. It is branched off my own online presence at http://digital.raven.tripod.com,
so go there, read the archives, and be scared at the volume of stuff I
have manged to concoct in about a day's worth of work. Fear me.
* * *
Stewart Wilson, The Digital Raven
Bored at home, 3rd November 2001