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All work herein is copyright (c) Stewart Wilson 2001.
 

Enemy Territory

Being an occasional rambling article from the mind of Stewart Wilson

 

Of all of the places in all of the world, why did I have to end up in fucking Bavaria? The most Catholic place I have found, moreso than just about anywhere else. Which is just what I fucking need, isn't it? The only good thing, and bear in mind that this is a very small thing from where I am sitting right now, is the holidays. Every 'holy day' in the Catholic calendar is a day which I get off work. Anyone would think that that's a major bonus, especially because where I work I get the day before or after off to make a four-day weekend. Yeah, a real bonus. Thursday was the first holiday like that I have had, the other two which have occurred since I got out here have been Wednesdays, where we only get the one day off. But that's not the worst thing.

The worst bloody part of it is that everyone hasw this day off. Everyone, whether they want it or not. So, come these days off, nowhere is open. I can't even go down to the shop to grab a bottle of lemonade and a pizza so that I can actually do that little thing that's so necessary called eating. Much less can I go into town to have a look through the electronic gadgets that I find so useful, as all the bloody sodding shops are closed. Bloody marvellous, ain't it? Well, no it isn't.

I can't even get a decent night's sleep for a change as the fucking church bells start going at eight in the morning. For fuck's sakes, I can't sleep and I can't go out. What do these bastards expect me to do? Actually, having phrased that question, I think I know what's going on. It's a conspiracy between the country and the Catholic church. Get us people that are not Catholic, that in fact couldn't give two tugs of a dead dog's cock for their idea of God, and make it so that the only place we can go to is a church. After all, we can't sleep, so we have to go somewhere, right? So, they drive us like cattle into a church, where we have to listen to the guy at the front going on about how we will al be better because we believe in his idea of a God.

Fortunately, I'm immune. After all, I can't speak enough of the fucking language, can I? So I stay away from the churches and I become so bored I finally crack and decide to find myself a Catholic to beat the everloving crap out of. And once I've finished kicking the bastard's teeth out they can have their policemen roll up and take me away to a cell while they charge me with murder.

There is a point to this rant beyond just my dislike of the Catholic church and my need for excessive amounts of violence. And the point's kinda simple. I'm alone here. Cold and alone, the only English speaking follower of a Pagan religion in the entire fucking city. When the religious holidays roll around, everyone here is against me. I become a nice solo target for anything that the world wants to throw at me. I really am deep in enemy territory.

* * *

It amazes me how stupid some people can be. Last Friday, I was attacked by morons wearing bright yellowpuffed-up jackets. They wanted me to purchase MicroShaft Tosspile XP. Fortunately for me, I was on top form. At least I was after ascertaining that they spoke good English.

Them: "So, do you think you will be upgrading to Windows XP anytime soon?"

Me: "Not if I can at all help it. I prefer a stable operating system."

Them: "But this is more stable than the previous releases of Windows..."

Me: "And that's supposed to make me feel confident? I meant a real operating system, not one designed by blind incompetent spastic monkeys high on acid."

Them: "Like what?"

Me: "Mandrake Linux 7.1. Or Red Hat 7.2, because that was the big release today that I was looking forward to. I won't be touching that crap you are trying to sell as actual software."

Them: [Now realising that I am indeed a Bastard] "Maybe you will have to use it at work?"

Me: "Let's see... I'm a system administrator for a large network fo Sun workstations running Solaris eight. We have fewer crashes on our entire network in a month than a single PC running Windows has in a week. If you honestly think I will have a reson to touch that stuff at work then you are even more insane than I first thought."

With that, I walked away. Score one for the Bastard Operator From Hell. But it isn't just limited to MicroShaft employees, the American populace is just as bad. According to a friend, he was recently asked if "they had a fourth of July in Edinburgh".

Excuse me? How stupid are some people? Of course there is a fucking fourth of July in Edinburgh. Thre's a fourth of July in every country that uses a fucking calendar. Or were they expecting to hear that no, there isn't a fourth of July, just a bloody big gap between the third and the fifth whilst time just stops? Fuck, it could have been. American tourists should be asked that question, and if they don't realise that a date is on every fucking calendar, then they can piss off and stay in their own backwater hole in the ground, somewhere near Fuckhead, Texas. Or be shot. That'd do the human race a favour.

* * *

After several months of waiting, the website is finally up and working. Yes, you read that right. The website works. Fucking miraculous, ain't it? See what happens wen you trap a hacker in his flat for a couple of days with nothing better to do, and at a point in Diablo 2 that he just can't get past? There. All of you that thought it wasn't going to happen are kinda disbelieving, no? Well, fucking believe it. The website is there and it is up. It is branched off my own online presence at http://digital.raven.tripod.com, so go there, read the archives, and be scared at the volume of stuff I have manged to concoct in about a day's worth of work. Fear me.

* * *

Stewart Wilson, The Digital Raven
Bored at home, 3rd November 2001