Miscellaneous Writing

"It was said amongst occultists that against a demon on earth, Superman would bludgeon the thing back to hell, Dr. Fate would cast some terribly complex spells at it, but only John would walk up to it, stare it in the eye, and tell it to go fuck off. And it'd work, too."
- about John Constantine, HELLBLAZER: DIRE FATES

"'Tis better to have loved and lost... As long as you can afford a hit-man."

"In 1601, on February 4th, Giordano Bruno was burnt at the stake for saying that the earth revolved around the sun. Was he guilty?"
-Prometheus Rising, Robert Anton Wilson

"This is Yorkshire. Everyone wears boots, including, women, children and pit-ponies..."

Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.
Bethany: New Jersey.
Metatron: Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day. Agreed?
Bethany: That doesn't sound like a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: "Damn, this is good tequila"?
Bethany: The first part.
Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them.

Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out.

Loki: Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.

Bartleby: Our last two days on Earth. If I had a dick I'd go get laid.
Loki: Well, let's do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Let's kill people.

[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey]
Bethany Sloane: I want to go with you.
Jay: What, steady? ...OK, but you pay the rent and Silent Bob has to live with us.

Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes.

Bethany Sloane: You were martyred?
Rufus, the 13th Apostle: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by a huge fucking rock.

Metatron: You tell someone you're a Metatron, they stare at you blankly. You mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar!

- All from _Dogma_

"There's always two sides, you don't have to suffer!
If this is Heaven, then send me to Hell"
- Dodgy, "Good Enough"

I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.
- Spider Jerusalem, TRANSMETROPOLITAN #37

I'll let myself sleep soon, and hope to hell the world doesn't seem so goddamn fractured when I wake up. Having said that, I also hope I wake to find half the city comitted suicide in my honor.

Fuck you. If anyone in this shithole city gave two tugs of a dead dog's cock about the Truth, this wouldn't be happening.
- Spider Jerusalem, TRANSMETROPOLITAN #3

I'm helping fund the apotheosis of the human species while beating resurrected power-junkie fame-whores back into the grave. Don't you wish you were me?

Sometimes, I can do nothing but stand in constant winter, trying to remember what life is like without all of you.

Youth culture has finally sterilized itself. Young America has finally achieved its terminal ambition - fucking itself before anyone else could.

I want to eat a swan. Is that wrong of me? I can't find anyone who'll sell me a swanburger.

I want to travel back in time and lop the goddamn heads off all your innocent mommies and daddies.

Don't look for media-approved ideologically sound Right Causes where there are none. Look out the window instead, and do something about what you see there.
- Spider Jerusalem, TRANSMETROPOLITAN #26

"Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. Angels, on the other hand, are always on time."

"The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on. Not all thy piety or wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line nor all thy tears wash out a word of it."

"Do you hear me? I don't think that you relate.
My will is something for that you can't compensate."
- The Offspring, "Staring at the Sun"

"You are such a bad liar... have you learned nothing from me?"
- Tom Paris

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me."
- Hunter S. Thompson

"You wouldn't think it was so funny if it was YOUR genitalia that
could go wandering off randomly and of their own free will!"
- Arnold Rimmer

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am...apparently all out
of my trademark blue smoke..."
- Darkwing Duck

"Today's mood has been brought to you by the number control-alt-del."

"Reformat the universe and install Mandrake 7.2. Then maybe it won't look as
good but it will make -sense-"

"VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use unix."
- davidsen@crdos1.crd.GE.COM

"Unix is not a "A-ha" experience,
it is more of a "holy-shit" experience."
- Colin McFadyen

"A Unix system will not understand you if you shout at it."
- Don Stokes.

"Arcane? Did you say arcane? It wouldn't be Unix if it
wasn't arcane!"
- roy@alanine.phri.nyu.edu

"If you do something brain-damaged,
you still did something brain-damaged,
whether you've been using Unix for a month or fifteen years."
- jik@Athena.MIT.EDU

"Unix is the answer,
but only if you phrase the question very carefully."
- lidl@eng.umd.edu

"Unix: a moment of convenience, a lifetime of regret."
- old ITS hacker saying

"If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing
a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment,
then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than
- MAP@lcs.mit.edu

"It is better to have sent and have been bounced,
then never to have sent at all."
- netvet@debacle.Eng.Sun.COM

- The Computing Collection

"Wotcha doin' over there, Brain?"
"Contemplating your afterlife, Pinky."
- Pinky and the Brain

"YOU'VE FROZEN EVERYTHING? Do you have any idea how long it takes to
get the PILOT lit?!"
- Satan

When angels go bad, they go worse than anyone. Remember, Lucifer was an angel.

Her family had remarkable recuperative powers. It's a wonder anyone managed to kill them at all, isn't it?

Don't you think they'll notice you're back? Just "Oh look, there's another angel. Here, grab a harp and on with the Hosannas"?

The Marquis de Carabas is a little bit dodgy in the same way that rats are a little bit covered in fur

Is it the kind of ordeal like visiting a rather bad tempered, elderly female relative is an ordeal, or is it more the plunging your hand into a pot of scalding water to see how quickly it strips the skin off sort of ordeal?

Nice in a bodyguard is about as useful as the ability to regurgitate whole lobsters.

Croup and Vandemar, the Old Firm, obstacles obliterated, nuisances eradicated, bothersome limbs removed and tutelary dentistry undertaken.

- The Neverwhere Collection

Israel in 4 BC had no mass communication

Did you mean to die like that, was that a mistake? or did you know your messy death would be a record breaker?

- Jesus Christ, Superstar

Not yet, they just want to see if the nice guy beats the bum.

I must protest. Our delegation has a host of valid points to raise. Our players' sporting attitude's beyond all praise as any neutral would attest.

We'll overlook the political assault and under protest will proceed.

Get to the point. Begin the beguine.

Haven't you noticed, we're a protagonist short in this idyllic, well produced scene.

Fine. I'm not surprised. He wanted fresher air once he realised there was no hope of your lot playing fair

Point twenty-three, the board will be made in Sweden, non-aligned wood.

I'm not getting rich. My only interest lies in something which gives me the chance of working with the best.

Is this the girl who said she wants to know the truth?

No contract's truly signed.

She smiles: There's something unpleasant going on.

This is the one situation I wanted most to avoid.

- Chess

"Hello" "Welcome to LA" "We're here to hit you."

"What happened to you?" "I reforested Los Angeles" "Ask a stupid question..."

"Where the hell did you come from?!?" "Mommy did a bad thing with Daddy and nine months later..."

"Shen! Come and get me, Shen! Anytime today, Shen! Now would be good!!" "I didn't know you could fly, Jenny..." "I'd noticed, Shen!"

"All the other huge bodiless radioactive plasma entities will be killing jealous"

"There is a superhuman loose in an outlying German country region. His capability is unknown, and he has been killing people since early evening local time"

"In future, no-one gets shot unless I specifically request they get shot"

"You got him, Lauren, he's in a nice warm coma, you can stop now..."

"Why were you following me?" "Because you're a latent superhuman, and it's my job to see if you're worth activating or not. But it turns out you're a psychopath, and I was coming here to get you arrested. Okay?"

"You appear to be wearing a small boy, Christine. Is this fashionable?"

- StormWatch/The Authority

"Blue Canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you"

"Tonight, I'm wound tighter than a watchspring.
Tonight you owe my patience quite a debt."